The number of people who approach me with comments such as “I'm scared to even try” to build an Internet or affiliate marketing business is astounding and breaks my heart.
And then there are those who assume that I was born to be successful, whereas they are somehow flawed and have no chance at success.
For all of them, I have a story to tell…
Mom and Dad were 45 and 38, respectively, when I was born. I was their first and only child.
As recent immigrants to Canada and not particularly social, my parents had very few friends and rarely had people over to visit.
Because my mother worked as a night nurse, I was not allowed to bring friends home to play in the after school hours or on weekends, as her sleep was not to be disturbed.
Inheriting their ‘short people' stature, I was always the smallest and and therefore the last kid to be picked for sporting events at school. Actually, I was never really ‘picked'. I was the kid whom the team that lost the toss-up had to grudgingly accept.
Those factors alone left me isolated and intensely shy.
And then, for good measure, they installed the self-doubt and lack of self-esteem software. 🙂
As quiet as I always tried to be, my mother was forever angry with me for making noise and waking her up. Of course, the squeaky wooden floor between the bedrooms or door hinges that were never oiled were never to blame … everything was always my fault.
Excellence was not encouraged, simply expected.
However, despite multiple awards, school crests and constant straight A's, they were never satisfied and I was never good enough. Comments like “You're not ____ enough”, and “Why can't you play the piano like ___?” were doled out daily.
Phrases such as ‘good job', ‘well done', ‘smart girl' or even ‘I love you' had escaped my parents' lexicon.
As icing on the cake, my dad was a clinically-depressed alchoholic (a mean drunk) and my mom was his Dutch Calvinist (zero sense of humor) co-dependent.
Moreover, my mom was quite frank about never having wanted kids.
Small wonder I lacked in all the good ‘selfs'… confidence, worth, esteem.
On the other hand, I had gained self-doubt in spades.
Fortunately, I developed interests that eventually led to a few self-esteem enhancing achievements; a career as an air traffic controller, making big wads of money as an affiliate and later authoring a book and speaking on the subject.
Better yet, I'd made some very good friends along the way.
So, when 3 years after leaving my air traffic control job, my earnings tanked so badly one month that I seriously doubted my future as an affiliate marketer — I made an important phone call to one of those friends.
I simply asked “If this all goes for a sh*t, can I have a room at your place?” to which my friend immediately replied, “Yes, of course“.
Whooosh!
And just like that, all of the fear and self-doubt vanished in a second.
Ditching the fear gave me the brain space to find out what I'd done wrong, correct it and keep moving forward with my business — which has been successful ever since.
My ah-ha moment came in knowing that I had someone on whom I could rely if and when I needed support. Simple as that and nothing mattered more.
That happened a decade ago and I feel so fortunate to have completely shed the shackles of fear and self-doubt.
That, to my mind, is complete freedom.
I don't know what will help you create your ah-ha moment — but I do hope that you get there.
Maybe it's deciding that you're too old to hang on to someone else's crap view of you any longer. Or, choosing to ignore the negative inner voices. Or, embracing the wisdom in that ageless classic by Wayne Dyer, “Your Erroneous Zones“. OR, it could be years of therapy… but that gets expensive, so maybe you should get the book first. 🙂
Besides, about half of the therapists you ever meet will be more screwed up than you ever could be. Seriously, that information is based on experience. 🙂
So, do whatever you have to do… but do it.
I think what ultimately changed my life in so many ways was that I never stopped trying.
Comments, questions or suggestions? Please leave a comment below!
Cheers,
P.S. I should say that I feel not one speck of resentment for how I was raised or the people responsible. I actually feel sad that they themselves were so scarred and unhappy.
Ironically, I am grateful. For, if not for the years I spent hiding in my room, reading scores of books and pouring my soul out to my diaries – I may never have become a rich, happy writer. 🙂
Awesome, inspiring post! Thank you so much for pouring out your soul to us. Awesome, just awesome.
Thank you, Lisa. I’m glad you liked it. 🙂
hi ros,
what a story to share… makes me even honor your success and not giving up mentality more.
i think it is a common mistake people make, thinking, that others were born with a certain knowledge and success. unfortunately, that’s not the case, it’s all hard work and yes, sometimes full of doubt.
again, congratulations!
Thanks, Monja!
Hi Ros,
THAT was so inspiring and makes me feel ashamed that I am still hanging back. However, your post could well be my AHA moment to take the plunge and use my talents which I am finally realizing exist in good measure. Although I know I was loved by my parents, looking back, they were so confident and self-assured, they did not notice that they overdid it with the discipline bit (also my strict Catholic schooling) and I always seem to need someone’s permission to do something. But I am realizing these days that I am in fact very capable – people at work are always asking me how to do things – I am always fixing up other people’s stuff, I often write (pro bono) stuff for people to help them, and when I do, they get results – because I don’t have a degree or qualification in writing, I would dismiss those results and not think much of them, but in fact, I have come to realize how many people struggle to write things. I have also learnt that I’m not bad at figuring things out, so what is stopping me? You have hit the nail on the head. Fear and self-doubt.
I do need to figure out how to make the most of the time I have as I still need to work for now (I have not been a great earner, and bringing up four kids on one’s own when the youngest one was 8 does drain the financies), while building up an online business, something I have always wanted to do, but I am at a good point in time of my life for that too, as all of my four kids have grown up and are now independent. My last barrier was also a self-imposed one – am I too old at 65? Well, my boss doesn’t want me to leave, so I guess that answers that question. Also, I love the whole marketing/writing field; I am not formally qualified in that area but here goes!
I have your book and am a monthly member of your Affiliate Blogger Pro, so will get started with that! You give me confidence to take the plunge in this online jungle.
I AM 65, but I still work full time and the kids are all grown up happy adults with their own lives, so I can give this all the attention it needs. Yes, I have debts and a mortgage, but I will work through those while working and building up my online business.
Thank you Ros for being there for people like me who would not know where to start or have the confidence to start.
Hey Katharina,
Well, more than a week has gone by… was that article your ah-ha moment, or are you still hanging back? 🙂
…. just a reminder. 🙂
Cheers,
Ros
P.S. 65 is the new 37.
What a compelling depiction, Rosalind! Certainly not, what I would have expected… I have a similar story. My mother worked multiple jobs to support my younger brother and me. I left school at sixteen to ease her burden and help put my brother through school. Fighting with my father to protect my mother left me with multiple concussions, and daily cluster-migraine headache… “Besides, about half of the therapists you ever meet will be more screwed up than you ever could be. Seriously, that information is based on experience.”—Yes, it is! Although I managed to secure a solid education as an adult, following my father’s death and I enjoyed an equal measure of success… I still fight against pain negativity and self-absorption. A book published in 1932 by Paul C. Ferrell, ‘The Subconscious Speaks’, strengthened my resolve. I still procrastinate…
Hey Art,
Daily cluster-migraine headaches must suck. really bad migraines until they removed all my wisdom teeth. I don’t know what Canada’s (my home country) policy is on medical weed but I bet that would be worth a try.
Thanks for the mention of ‘The Subconscious Speaks’ book… here is the link for others who may be interested.
http://amzn.to/10niQ71
By the way, Art… you should check to see if that book is in the public domain and make some money on it… there’s not much about it on Amazon and there is no Kindle version. 🙂
Cheers,
Ros
YOU are my inspiration, Rosalind! 😉
Here I stand self-absorbed—and still procrastinating… And you offer me advice and an opportunity that I should have realized long before my comment to your blog post. Thank you so much! I believe it is time to release the past and to move forward as you have… I recently purchased two SBI! packages. I now live in anticipation of the very best!
Do whatever you have to do… but do it.
Thanks, for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your personal story, it’s amazing that you turned out so well. So many who are raised like that turn out badly, spending their lives stuck in bitterness and resentment.
I can relate, even as there was no alcohol involved in my family.
Wow – that really resonates!
I am slightly older than you and just found out last year that my mother had narcissistic personality disorder (not a disability but a chosen mode of behavior). Unfortunately, my pillar of strength (my Grandma) died when I was 17, and never again did I find the level of support she had offered. Even a highly devoted spouse would have to have lived under the same circumstances to really grasp how broadly and deeply you have been affected.
I believe most of the damage occurs early on, as a child is not equipped to understand what is happening or handle the situation mentally or emotionally. Personally, it has robbed me of attaining success. Emotionally there simply isn’t the drive, though rationally, success is always at hand’s reach and the Leo in me is constantly fighting for it. Exhausting!
Roz, thanks for your candor. It’s strangely liberating and inspiring to see some people turn out successful in spite of such obstacles.
Hi Viviane,
I have a hard time understanding the bolded part of your statement … ‘I believe most of the damage occurs early on, as a child is not equipped to understand what is happening or handle the situation mentally or emotionally. Personally, it has robbed me of attaining success. ‘
At some point shouldn’t we take responsibility for who we are and what we want to become? AND let go of the past that doesn’t help us?
I don’t even know what question to ask that stimulates drive… do you? 🙂
Cheers,
Ros
Thank you for sharing this story. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride with the range of emotions from – I can’t do this to I can take on the world. Its reassuring to know successful people have been in my shoes and made it! 🙂
Hi Samantha,
Thanks kindly for your comment.
What I’ve found is that stepping back and watching the emotional reaction before I say or do anything helps a LOT. 🙂
Cheers,
Ros
Thanks for sharing that peek into your personal life, Ros. As I read through your post, I found myself wanting to reply/comment in volumes.
Good point about 50% of therapists… While I personally only dabbled in that realm a while back, I quickly learned that my own inner guidance and intuition (and the help of certain authors like Nathaniel Branden) was far more worthy of my attention and pursuit than your average counselor.
It’s interesting to hear the stories and personal growth achievements of internet teachers/gurus and other successful folks. I’m a fan of Perry Marshall and his writings for a similar reason. And it’s funny, he said someting similar about therapists last year, breaking it down with his compelling cascaded 80/20 logic. I think his rough breakdown was something like: 50% of therapists are mostly welll-intentioned people who just don’t really know what they’re doing (maybe there are also a few scammers in this bucket); 45% are decent and competent; 5% are the creme of the crop and are quite good at what they do, and thus take a lot of hunting to find.
(Funny, I keep hearing references to Wayne Dyer recently. Was just viewing his Oprah videos not too long ago while doing some John of God research…)
~Jake
PS Dad was a mean drunk? Ugh. …But glad to see you emerged from your childhood with a healthy appreciation for beer. 🙂
Hey Jake,
You know that you are always welcome to ‘reply / comment in volumes’. 🙂
Didn’t know that Oprah had done anything with Wayne Dyer… good for her!
As for beer – keeps me sane? Maybe. In moderation.
Cheers,
Ros
HI Rosalind — GREAT article! Boy can I relate to your story. Same deal here, raging drunk as a Father, Mom did the best she could w/5 children, w/a raging drunk in the house. I did the best I could to stay away. Swimming gave me a self esteem boost, and my coaches became my mentors and self esteem boosters!
So I get it! I am doing well, but want to develop my affiliate/site. I have the product now (cooling towels) for athletes “Cooling Towels” and we just developed the “marathon” towel.
I am starting this week … Keep em coming, I hope to meet you some day! Mike
Hi Mike,
Cooling towels sound great… not only for athletes, but for anyone who exercises in the heat, as we are doing now in Arizona.
How about for dogs? My puppy suffers from exercise induced collapse which might be helped by some cooling…
Best of success with it… let me know when you have your affiliate program up, or if you want to test your towels. LOL
Cheers,
Ros
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Of course you are the last person I would have guessed went through such difficult early years – but that’s the point: no matter how tough things have been in one’s past, success and happiness are possible – for those who “never stop trying.” As a business coach who uses affiliate marketing, I work with many clients new to building businesses. They often come into coaching feeling scared, flawed and inadequate. From this day forward all of my clients get a copy of this post and a recommendation to get on your mailing list. A million thanks!
Andrea,
Thank you SO much for your comment and I am honored that you think my article worthwhile to pass on to your clients. I plan to share more stories such as these, so I hope they will be of help. 🙂
Cheers,
Ros
This is such a great article Rosalind! I’m sure many of us have our own fair share of doubts and fears. I’ve personally have experienced all the emotions that you mention in this article – doubt, fear, low self-esteem, low self-confidence.
I’m working on making myself become a more positive person. I have note cards all around my room that says, “positive” on them to remind myself to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones.
Like they say, “Fear is an illusion” and once we realize that, the potential to live up to our fullest is available at will.
Thank you, Gidesh
Thank you, Gidesh.
LOVE your phrase ‘fear is an illusion’. That’s so very true.
Cheers,
Ros
Hey Rosalind, What a tale of whoa and redemption! I’ve been through a similar saga and I admire you for sharing yours with us. I have been struggling with Internet marketing for years and like you I haven’t quit. I believe I have finally found my way. It only goes to show how indomitable the human spirit can be. Your the best!
Hi Ros,
One of the greatest sales trainers ever – IMHO – Tommy Hopkins had a saying – Do what you fear most and you overcome fear – I would add “do it first thing in the morning”.
I have applied that numerous times in my working life and the object of my fear was never that bad 😉
Another of his saying – NO is the greatest word in the English language – think of a cruise missile – it is getting a stream of no’s AKA rejections. It has a choice use the rejections to correct its course or take the first one personally return home and blow up the launch controller. No is good just don’t take it personally.
At school I was the chubby one who was the last picked so can identity with the last picked scenario. I was working for myself and business was tanking so I responded to a job add that resulted im my being paid to visit almost every country in Europe and Asia most of my class mates have never gone more than 100 miles from my home town except for the occasional vacation and the Head Prefect ( voted most likely to succeed) of my year was arrested and jailed for fraud serving 16 years while I have retired with a pension that is higher than the average salary in the UK.
I now spend my time as an affiliate marketeer an use the same philosophy – do five associated with my business every day and I am reasonable successful. In internet marketing you need to remember the following:
A) No method is totally right or wrong for you BUT choose one method and stick to it for a year there are no sustainable get rich quick methods.
B) Ignore what every ones says unless they are making at least $500 per month from the web, every one else will just try and drag you down.
C) You can start your business at really low cost. The only thing you need to invest in is your domain name and if you use some one like Blogger (owned by Google) and buy the domain name via blogger you get a years hosting for the cost of the domain($10.00 the last time I checked). That has to be a great deal 🙂 where else can you start a business that cheaply? It also has the advantage as it not worpress you don’t get distracted by all the shiny plugins that every huckster in town is trying to sell you
D) Invest $27 in the Super Affiliates Handbook.
My advise is try it whats the worst that can happen – some one laughs at you? So what has it hurt you physically – Have they tried it? Probably not they are just one of the crowd trying to pull you down so they can feel better about their miserable lives – trust me you deserve better and by putting in an extra 5% you will get there.
Apologies for the ramble
Regards
Tank Johnson
Hi Tank,
Thanks SO much for sharing what you know about overcoming fear and self-doubt!
I wholeheartedly agree!
Bryan Tracy talks about ‘doing it first thing in the morning’ with his Eat that Frog article – https://rosalindgardner.com/blog/end-procrastination-eat-that-frog/
And I totally agree with approaching it from the ‘what’s the worst that happen’ approach… I may have to write an article on the subject.
Thanks for the idea.
Cheers,
Ros
Hi Ros,
Just another ramble on whats the worst that can happen….
You can always start you internet marketing adventure under another persona – Use the name of your first pet and change your surname. Imagine you are a teenager who knows they will succeed – think Rachel Berry ( GLEE). If you don’t succeed it was the other persona then take what you did learn and apply it to your own efforts.
BTW Ros regarding frogs – 60 million Frenchmen can’t be wrong. I have tried frogs – taste like chicken as for snails the best part is the garlic butter 🙂
Regards
Tank
Thanks for this inspiring blog Ros. I decided this year I needed to work in earnest at my online business so I joined your affiliatebloggerpro course. Since joining a month ago my partner is now going through disciplinary procedures at work and may be about to lose his job (alcohol related). This has really rocked the boat for me but your words above have helped me to strengthen my resolve to make things work.
Hi Jacky,
Sorry to hear about your partner. I hope it works out for both of you.
Glad to hear that my story helps a bit.
Cheers,
Ros
If you weren’t so much younger than me (I’m 30), I would have definitely picked you to be on my team 🙂
Christopher,
I’m 53, and you’re bad at math. LOL
Cheers,
Ros
Hi Ros,
What a great article! I applaud you for being so open and frank about your circumstances – and for rising above them and moving forward. It is challenging to let go of painful memories from our past, and fear often keeps us from doing what we are meant to do.
I also read (and love) Wayne Dyer. And, that being said, I believe that I was meant to read your post today. I’m in the process getting ready to leave my JOB and take the leap with my own business. I have moments of paralyzing fear – but then I remind myself to breath and just follow my instincts. And, I keep telling myself, that “whats the worst that can happen?” I have many friends that will support me if I need them.
Thanks for the encouragement and reminder!
Laurie
Laurie,
Leaving your job and leaping into your own business – awesome!
You’ll LOVE the freedom!
Best of success,
Ros
WOW thanks for being so open Rosalind, much appreciated.
I think that everybody goes through periods of fear and self doubt, but some are able to keep going and some people get paralysed by it. and give up.
I suspect that the ability to deal with one’s own “stuff” is as important as any skill or business experience you can build up along the way.
🙂
Alex
My pleasure, Alex, and you’re right. Getting stuff clear is more than half the battle. 🙂
Hey Ros,
A very heart wrenching post, to say the least.
Just like my Wife and I tell our kids all the time, I’ll tell you the same…
I’m very PROUD of YOU. You have over come so much junk to be
where you are today…AWESOME…And again, I’m very Proud of You
for that.
I know a lot of others feel the same way. And from a Christian standpoint
I also Love You, I don’t say that as a requirement of Christianity, although
it is, I say it from the Heart because that’s how Jesus Christ works.
He not only renews your mind but your Heart. I just want you to know, I,
along with many others appreciate the immense value you give to the
world wide web and teaching others to do the same, that their lives may
be changed through running successful businesses online as well as offline.
Being Proud of You,
Ron Brantley
Hi Ros
A brave and encouraging post.
I recently saw an interview with the actor Frank Langella who, with an acting career that has had a lot of ups and downs, commented that there are always second chances in life — chance #2, #32, #102 — “as long as you’re breathing”.
It wasn’t luck that made you a success, Ros, rather hard work and never giving up.
Also, if you could handle the enormous stress of being an air traffric controller, I would think it would help somewhat to keep everyday worries in perspective.
Thanks for sharing a very personal and inspirational story.
Dennis
Inspiring story Rosalind. My parents were literally dirt poor. My earliest childhood memory is mom sweeping the floor that was made of hard dirt – not cement, wood or vinyl…just dirt. They made mistakes but somehow they managed to give us food, shelter and an education.
I believe fear and self doubt is one reason why many new online marketers have a hard time becoming successful. There is so much to learn, read and write and having these negative thoughts swirling around in your head makes it hard to continue on.
Scams, and ripoff products are everywhere and this also adds to the problem.
Thanks for letting me share this
Paul
There are some messages that just “appear” at the right time…this post is one. Thank you Ros for putting words to feelings and shakin up my Belief Tree…You are The Best!
Hi Rosalind,
Your post today is so touching. i have been on your email list for 4 years now,until now,
and i have never missed reading any of yo emails,
but today’s post is so touching.
all i can say is, you are really a true woman.
Dan Kennedy calls women like you as “women with balls”..
You must be tough. no wonder your are successful.
Thanks
Dawood
Hi Ros,
Congrats on making it through the formative years and making it to your ah-ha moment. Also, I’m always glad to see somebody in your position remind their readers that success is not something that is given to us or comes naturally. The icing on the cake, here, is you proving that the attitude of success DOES preced success and not the other way around like so many struggling entrepreneurs believe.
Best,
Jeff
And now you get to be an inspiration to others, Ros. Thank you.